The Christmas Movie as a Source of Confusion.

I have some questions/thoughts elicited by a classic holiday film I saw recently.

1) Do you remember “The Christmas Movie” starring Ralphie, the little boy who wants nothing more than a Red Rider BB gun for Christmas, but everyone tells him that he’ll only shoot his eye out? Well, he didn’t give up on his dream, and even went so far as to suffer rejection by the head honcho, Santa Clause, and still his wish would not die. He persevered and in the end, he finally got his Red Rider BB Gun. Of course, he immediately followed this victory by nearly shooting his eye out… What does this mean? Is there some great cosmic truth here? I don’t know. I’m just thinking out loud, but it seems like something is there. It’s too close to the holidays to think (my 12 days of Christmas have already started. Soon to be followed by some kind of 12 step program I think.) And in truth, my face still hurts a little. I’m aware enough to sense great truth, but not enough to care very much right now.

2) Have you ever noticed that licking something extremely cold is very similar to licking something extremely hot? I hadn’t either, but think about it. I’ll wait until the image of Angelina Jolie has passed from your mind.

Cold: You stick to it, it’s very painful, you probably lose some flesh, and your friends all laugh at you and call you Einstein.

Hot: You stick to it, it’s very painful, you probably lose some flesh, and you smell cooking meat.

I don’t know what this means either, on a cosmic scale, but I can tell you for sure that all other things being equal, I would rather smell meat cooking than have my friends laugh at me. Or, you could just renounce the licking of all things extreme, probably a good policy in any situation. Up to you.

3) Leg shaped lamps are only useful if you want to shed some light and kick some ass at the same time.

4) Never wear more clothes than you can bend your elbows in. Unless your extremely fat. That would look funny.

5) Get rid of those ugly damn birth-control glasses dude. Roy Orbison is dead, you’re a loser, and not even Santa likes you anymore, you simpering little nerd. Did I say that out loud?


6) If Santa EVER kicked me from his lap & down a slide in front of a store full of people, I’d find me a LARGE leg shaped lamp and shed some light on his situation. Ho-ho-ho bitch. Hard to sit on a lampshade, ain’t it?

I’m Out.